"Feed me, Seymour..."

Today was definitely Give B.C.J Free Food and Hope She Dies From Food Poisoning / Sheer Bad Taste Day…

Before you condemn me as a complete ingrate who should be thanking her lucky stars to go to bed at night without wondering where my next meal is going to come from, hear me out…

I came to work today, all hunky-dorey that it’s the last day of the work-week since tomorrow’s (literally) Good Friday and am all-smiles over the paper bag of Delifrance goodies for breakfast – a chocolate croissant for me (yummilicious!) and a sultana croissant for my skinny size 0 colleague whom I’m trying with all my will to fatten up for the sanctity of my ego. J (For simplicity’s sake, I’ll nickname her GB, because the obscene length of her legs look like they’ve been copied and pasted on her body from some snooty Parisian supermodel complete with a B-grade French accent).

Now I have a little theory about how the world is comprised of Breakfast People and Non-Breakfast People. To clarify, I am strictly the former, so Heaven help any man, woman or child who ever gets in the way of me and a good morning meal. More on this fascinating quirk of mine later...

Anyway, I digress. Back to the happy day, wafting with the fresh promise of French pastry. As I handed GB her morning sultana croissant, she in turn handed me the crux of this blog – an apple and cinnamon muffin. Now I’m not saying this isn’t a nice thing to do. It was an incredibly sweet and thoughtful intention… but as we all know… even the road to Hell is paved with good intentions… *cue mysterious thunder-clapping sound effect for dramatic nuance*

I decided to keep the generous gesture for lunch, still on my natural high that not only did I have a nice breakfast to attend to, I now had a free lunch on stand-by.

So… Fast-forward to 12noon, and the first unforgivably naïve chomp. I believe the universal expression “UGH!” accurately captures the vomit-inducing garbage that whiplashed my offended taste-buds. Not only did the muffin have the texture of dried cement and the godawful taste of papier mache, it was jam-packed with walnuts. WALNUTS - the world's most useless nut. Not sprinkled on like some nuisance garnish that I can just irritatedly pick off… These were large mutant walnuts that were implanted in like silicone in a bad boob job. I couldn’t even eat around them… Every bite had chunks of walnuts resolutely cobbled into them, and since the damn thing was about as brittle as a mummified carcass, I ended up with hunks of broken up crumbs all over my white-washed Polo T…

So disgruntled and still hungry, I withdrew the now-empty Delifrance paper bag from the trash-bin and threw in the remnants of the muffin in its opaque coffin and threw it away – I didn’t want to hurt GB’s feelings by disposing it, all exposed and uneaten… I'm not completely inhuman - and continued the rest of the day, stressed out and trying in vain to block out the lingering memory of the muffin, which now that I think about it, kind of resembles that sort of decimated taste of unbaked Play-Dough.

I won’t go into the details of the series of unappetizing meals that followed, but here’s a short summary to satisfy your piqued curiosity – crisp and salt-deficient French fries from Burger King (this is a huge misdemeanour to my palate as I only eat salty soggy fries… the crisp ones sometimes hurt my gums with their sharp edges) and Onion rings that were so plain it was like eating the cardboard-tasting version of Onion Rings, for lunch. And 7 hours later, an uneventful claypot rice and a tummy-ache-inducing sambal stingray for dinner, which is now causing lacerating pangs of pain in my stomach.

Am now feeling the waves of nausea wash over me as the combination of food juices and the overdose of MSG gush around in my discontented stomach so I shall crawl into the welcoming comfort of my bed and hope that visions of a menace muffin does not come to haunt me later in the night.

Sudden Burst of Inspiration: Am reminded of the ridiculous play about the mutant plant that ate people in the Little Shop of Horrors. There's a scene that precedes his carniverous binges where he prompts his owner to feed him... and suddenly it's all very clear why the plant got so angry -- Seymour probably fed him a huge batch of the repulsive muffin I just ate today... Honestly people, that'd be enough to turn any plant murderous *enlightenment*

Happy Good Friday everyone.

bluesberry blahs

Ok, I must confess that when the initial idea of blogging began I convinced myself that it was merely some reclusive activity dabbled in by hyper-critical angst-ridden tech-geeks in their vain attempts to satisfy whatever ostentatious neuroses they harboured after spending all their waking hours in damp laboratories, counting in binary.

Yet I watched on, helplessly (and somewhat curiously), as the phenomenon grew and spread like a malignant cancer across cyberspace, inflicting surfers with its contagious and viral affliction. Sporadic blogs began to mushroom with topics ranging from the secret bed-side confessions of a so-called escort to socio-political monologues. Normal conversations have been replaced by instant messages prompting friends to log on to the blogger’s site to check out the latest posting. Human interaction came to a quiet and unsurprising standstill.

And yet… for all my rebellion, here I am… on a path where angels fear to tread… slouched in a chair that violates every law of ergonomics, keyboard glued to my fingers and thoughts racing through my mind at the speed of a freight-train, tinged with… dareIsay… excitement? Yes, how the mighty have fallen indeed…

So converted and blogging, with the rusty tang of Irony swelling in my mouth, reminding me of the acrid aftertaste of the burnt brew that b.c.e. ordered some months ago at a coffee shop back home, I shall cap it off here, before the abundant hypocriticism knocks me into a complete unconsciousness.

bluesberry she wrote..

wht is a bluesberry??

heh heh.. welcome to our world! if you haven't already heard, blogging is the new black. and bluesberry cupcakes behaving badly is the newest addition to the bloggers world. this is the brainchild of b.c.j..

you see, b.c.j. is one of the greatest writers in the universe hehe. unfortunately, she hasn't had the opportunity to write in a while.. after much coercion and threats by fellow bloggers, she's decided to once again entertain us with her artistic compositions!! *woohoo*.. on the web .. striken by excitement, b.c.j. proposed to b.c.e. this very intriguing idea of setting up a blog together.. read on..

so we stress, curse and almost pass out from laughter as we finally came up with a shortlist of titles for our blog:

1. bluesberry cupcake and banana walnut
2. bluesberry cupcake and magic mushroom
3. bluesberry cupcake and karemel sutra
4. babes behaving badly
5. bluesberry cupcakes behaving badly
6. spunkey monkey and funky skunky
7. spunkey monkey and friend/associate
8. cookie and cuckoo
9. desperate bluesberries
10. bla and blah
11. moo moos and oink oinks
12. bluesberry cupcake and raspberry ripple
13. black sesame ice cream and green tea biscotti
14. bluesberry cupcake and holy crepes!
15. holy crepes! and maple syrup

stay tuned.